Ang Unano at ang Batalyon PiTVul

Umpisahan ko ang usaping ito with a prayer:

Aba Naman Gloria, Puno Ka Na Nang Grasya!
         Ang Yaman Ng Bansa Ay Sumaiyo Na.
         Sa Husay Ni Garci Naging Pekeng Pangulo Ka
         Bukod Kang Mandaraya Sa Babaeng Lahat.
         Pinagpala Rin Mangurakot, Asawa’t Mo’t Anak.
         Kaya’t Sa Amin Wala Ng Natira.
         Konsensyahin Ka Nawa.

Amen!

 
       I was inspired by the blog posted by Badoodles in KwentongBarbero.com kaya naisip ko paano kaya kung gagawa din tayo ng pinoy version ng Vantage Point.  Una kong pinag-isipan kung ano kaya magiging title ng movie.  Suggestion ng isang mentally challenge (kasi sabi nya special sya) na friend ko “Erotcism in the Palace” daw, pero feeling ayaw i-approve ng MTRCB pang x-rated kasi ang dating.  So, naisip ko para pang action/horror movie ang dating “Ang Unano at Ang Batalyon PiTVul”.  Talaga namang eye-catching title palang pang-oscar’s na.  Please ‘wag nyong i-correct ang title hindi wrong spelling yan (best in spelling yata ako sa graduate school).  Bakit PiTVul? Kasi ang mga madder packing tapes na politicians na yan ay parang mga hybrid ng Piranha, Tiger at Vulture.  Sobra silang greedy.  Before politicians are just compared to crocodiles, right now crocodile alone cannot justify the greed of this madder packing tapes politicians.  By nature, if crocodile are not hungry they don’t attack (unless you attack them first) kumbaga pag-busog na sila enough na yun.  That is really different from the attitude of those 3-inches stiletto hells greedy politicians, they never get contented, they never got enough. They just keep on sucking our bloods and eating our flesh!       
   

Sucking our bloods and tearing our flesh.  They never get enough, ‘pag nabusong na yung piranha nature nila ang vulture nature naman ang titira then after the vulture, tiger mode na naman sila, then balik ulit sa piranha mode…nakowzzz it becomes an incessant cycle kumbaga sa programming ito yung tinatawag naming infinite loop paulit-ulit, pabalik-pabalik hanggang sumuko ang system.  Walang katapusang corruption, panlilinlang at pagsasamantala sa ating mga Pilipino.

        Lately, sumikat ng husto and ZTE-NBN Deal Scandal (as if bagong issue) because of the appearance of the “star” witness dawn a si Rodolfo “Jun” Lozada, Jr. (na may kasamang extrang madre at pari) its constantly on the news lahat na yata ng medium of communication except the smoke signal ay nagbabalita ng tungkol sa isyu ng ZTE-NBN Scandal.  I’m wondering na pati yata citizens ng Planet Mars at Planet Yekok (home planet yun ni Kokey in case you don’t know) ay aware na sa ZTE-NBN issue.  Everyday nalang puro ZTE-NBN Senate Probe ang makikita mo sa tv, Internet, at radio (sorry hindi mo pala makikita yun sa radio).  Kabi-kabila ang mga Mass for Unity, Mass for the Truth, Mass for Nation Enlightenment at kung anu-ano pang ka-etchosan na mass kulang nalang masskara, masking tape, at mast@r#%e.  At lately parang laging may fiesta ng Quiapo sa Makati sa sobrang daming tao na nagrarally, gusto na naman nila ng isa pang EDSA.  Kawawa naman kung sakali ang mga batang nag-aaral kasi dagdag na naman sa dapat i-memorize sa Philippine History na subject, buti nalang graduate na ako.  But actually I’m anticipating of EDSA 101 sa history ng Pilipinas before ako matigok, shucckkss, sobrang daming dapat i-memorize nun I pity the next generation. 

        Actually, I’m so tired of the issue na talaga.  How could I watch MYX countdown, cartoon network, Disney channel and American idol if my too-political conscious housemates are so engrossed watching senate inquiries, interviews, face-offs and debates of Jun Lozada and the Bataylon PitVuls? Baka mabatukan pa ako pagnilipat ko ang channel.  Pero infairness sobrang sikat na ngayon si Jun Lozada may fans club na yata siya si Tita Cory ang president at mga sisters at fathers ang mga officers.  At hindi na rin ako magtataka if one day maging commercial endorser na sya, bongga di ba?

        At one band (translation: sa isang banda) its nice to know that our elected senators and congressmen are working their ass off (mahirap di kayang magnakaw…), imagine according to one our senator and I quote “ang trabaho naming dito ay alamin kung ano ang totoo at kung sino at nagsasabi ng totoo”.  Whatta mader packing sheets of paper!  Para na rin nilang sinabi na uulan ng snow sa ‘Pinas bukas, kasi they’re talking about impossibility.  How could you know the truth if what is spoken and heard are lies?  How would you know of who’s telling the truth if everybody is lying?  Bunch of PitVul!

        Those PitVuls are willing to sell the Philippines, including us if the price is right.  Kasehodang magtitiis ang boung sambayanan as long as nag-uumapaw ang Swiss accounts nila.  Wala silang paki-alam kung kahit asin ay walang pansahog sa kaning totong ang mga taga-Payatas basta sila merong milyones na properties.  Ano ba paki-alam nila kung may libo-libong batang Pilipino ang hindi makapag-aral as long as naka-enroll sa exclusive schools abroad ang mga anak nilang mga adik.  They don’t care if mamatay tayong dilat ang mata sa gutom as long as they have Armani on their backs, Vuitton on their feet and glittering diamonds on their fingers.  Sampo ang kanilang luxury cars, samantalang ang mga street children ay hindi man lang makabili ng isang pares ng tsinilas.  Bloodsucking PitVuls!

        Everytime na maiisip ko kung gaano kadaming novels, jolly spaghetti at chicken joy ang mabibili ko sa laki ng binabayaran kong tax every month, shuccksss, lumalaki butas ng ilong ko, dumadami ang pimples ko, nagugulo ang bagong relax kong hair.  Ok lang naman sana yun kung tinutulong nila sa mga mahihirap na kagaya ko, o di kaya ipambili ng matitinong textbooks (hindi yung mali-mali ang mga facts na nakasulat).  Kaso ang problema ililimos nila sa mahihirap ang 10 piso tapos ibubulsa nila ang 990.  Tama ba ‘yun?  Is that right?  Fair ba ‘yun?  Hindi!  It’s unfair, it’s unfair, it’s unfair at isa pang it’s unfair! 

        Bago ko tapusin ang usaping ito, may message ako para kay unano at sa mga batalyon PitVul.

        Mamatay din Kayo!!!!!!  Hindi kayo aabot ng 200 mamamatay din kayo.   You are all MADER PACKING SHEET OF PAPERS!!!!                   

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Senseless Thoughts

There are lots of things in life talaga na hindi kayang i-explain ng aking coconut-milking brains (translation: gumagatang-utak) at di kayang i-elucidate ng aking superbly-superior brains cells. Kasi naman, shuckzzz, over to max ang lalim as in mas deep pa sa kailaliman ng Mariana’s Trench (that is the deepest depression in the world, in case you don’t know at hindi ka kasing intelligent ko..hehe!).  I don’t know who originated, concocted, designed, developed, conceive those stuffs, siguro mas matalino pa sila kay Einstein at kay King Solomon kasi know nila ang mga things-things(translation: bagay-bagay) na yun.       

Here are some of those perplexing thoughts…. 

1.  Utak Talangka (commonly used to describe envious nature of a person)   

      Napa-isip talaga ako sa phrase na ito at tinanong ko ang aking sarili, “May utak nga ba ang talangka?”.  Nagtaka talaga ako, so I did serious research on this matter, as in ni-research ko talaga, sa Google, Yahoo, Wikipedia, Altavista, Microsoft Encarta at kung saan-saan pa just to find evidence kung may utak nga ba ang talangka.  Wala…none…nothing…nada…niente…nichts…zero…not a single article that confirms na may brains yung talangka.  Ask ko yung mga fishermen kasi nga sila ang may authority sa ganoong mga things-things, problema hindi din nila alam at wala daw silang paki-alam kung may utak ang talangka o wala.  Wala nga daw silang pakialam kay Jun Lozada sa talangka pa kaya (may point din naman).  According to my “intelligent” (confirmation needed) friend may utak daw ang talangka kasi paano sila mabubuhay ‘pag walang brains, may point din naman sya, kaya lang ang mga human being nga na walang utak nabubuhay talangka pa kaya.  Nakapagtataka talaga…may utak nga ba ang talangka?  Buti sana kung buhay pa si Ka Ernie, ask natin sa kanya kaso nakikipagpalitan na siya ngayon ng trivia kay San Pedro.

2.  Panahon ni Kopong-kopong (used to describe anything that is obsolete and baduy)             

My quad core brain is wondering talaga, who is Kopong-kopong ba? Anong era ba siya nag-exist sa earth?  Sino kaya mas naunang mag-exist sa earth? Mga dinosaurs o si Kopong-kopong? Ano kaya apelyido nya o baka naman screen name nya lang yung Kopong-kopong? Kawawa naman yung tao, palagi nalang ina-accuse na walang fashion sense.     

3.  Anak ng teteng (Favorite line ni Sen. Bong Revilla sa movies nya)          

    I’m curious, ano ba yung teteng? Kasi ang alam kong teteng palayaw ng isang maganda, matalino at seksi na babae.  Naisip ko lang na baka parang exam na fill-in the blanks yung statement.  Just like this:  Anak ka ng teteng ______________. 

     Pero ang mas pinagtataka ko, bakit nagging senador si Bong Revilla? Ano ba K nya?  It’s just a thought…. maybe a senseless one, but a thought nevertheless (charot!) 

Green and Funny Stuffs

Mga Makabagong Kasabihan (Kabadingang Edition)

1. “Aanhin mo ang gwapo kung mas malandi pa sayo!?”
2. “Walang matinong lalake sa malanding kumpare.”
3. “Wala nang hihigit pa sa malansang isda, kundi ang isang balahurang bakla.”
4. “Sa hinaba-haba ng prosisyon, bading din pala ang iyong ka relasyon.”
5. “Ang tumatakbo ng matulin, may gwapong hahabulin”
6. “Matalino man ang bading, na peperahan pa rin.” 

 Songs of Married Couple 
First Night: Aray Naku!

1-5 Years:  Araw- araw Gabi gabi

6-15 Years: Paminsan minsan

16-25 Years: Sana Kahit Minsan

26-49 Years: Gaano kadalas ang Minsan

50 and up:  Maalaala mo Kaya

 The Heights 
Height of Poverty:  Wife’s stitching husband’s condom

Height of Innocence: A girl applying Clearasil 2 her nipols thinking that they are pimples.

Height of Ambition: An ant climbing on the elephant leg with a motive of rape.

Height of Unemployment: A spider web found in prostitute’s pusssiey.

Height of Laziness:  A man sleeping on the top of a woman expecting an  earthquake to do the rest.
 

Government Project Do Not Delay

 Anak:  Tay, ano po magandang gawin kasi yung panty ng girlfriend ko may nakatatak na “No Entry”.

Tatay:  Easy lang anak, yung brief mo markahan mo ng “Government Project Do Not Delay”.

(Mula sa comment ni tina0018) 

MAN1: nagagalit sakin misis ko kapag inuuwi ko sa bahay yung mga hindi ko natapos na trabaho.
MAN2: bakit, ano ba ang trabaho mo pare?
MAN1: embalsamador!
————
NURSE: nasa isip mo ba pamilya mo?
BALIW: siyempre man! OO!
[Nurse natuwa..]
NURSE: asan ba pamilya mo?
BALIW: nasa isip ko. Tanga ba you?
————
Si Mister nakita 3 butil ng bigas at 25pesos sa drawer ni Misis.
MR: ano to?
MRS: uhm honey, magtatapat na ko. Tuwing nagtataksil ako sayo naglalagay ako ng 1 butil ng bigas sa drawer.
MR: eh ano yang 25pesos?
MRS: nung naging 1 kilo ang bigas, binenta ko na. Sayang eh!

Bugs Wisdom

Paunawa:  Ang inyong mababasa sa akdang ito ay hindi galing sa taong nag ngangalang Felixberto Baguyo, Jr., a friend and colleague of mine na mas kilala bilang Sir Bags. Because if it is so, sigurado puro green ang mababasa nyo…  

During my grueling and boring days, when I was working on my thesis for my master’s degree I tumbled upon a very nice and very relaxing computer game…the TUMBLEBUGS. It is not an online game, not even a multiplayer game.  It is so simple that you don’t need to memorize a lot of complicated shortcuts and other strategies that often used in Massively multiplayer online role-playing game (MMORPG) or any other RPG’s.  It is so simple that anybody who has a common sense of a three-year old can play this one.  I found it so relaxing and a good way to de-stressed.  Aside from that, what really make Tumblebugs special are the tips shown at the end of the every round.  Some of these tips are the cool, funny, hilarious, amusing, witty, sarcastic but quite true proverbs.  Here are some of my favorites…

  (Shucckss! Dumudugo ang ilong ko! Tissue please…) 

• A bit of hard work never killed anyone – but why risk it?

• Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

• Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

• Quando omni flunkus moritati (when all else fails, play dead).

• Everything your mother ever warned you about is true.

• Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t, why you should.

• Politician and diapers should both be changed regularly,  and for the same reason.

• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having the good sense to be lazy.

• Never test the depth of water with both feet.

• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt.

• Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

• If you want your spouse to pay attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

• It is far more impressive when other discover your good qualities without your help.

• Never to trust dog to watch your food.

• Never bother to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it bothers the pig.

• If you don’t pay you exorcist, you get repossessed.

• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

• Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

• a likely impossibility us always preferable to an unconvincing possibility.

What Turn You On…?

 What turns you on? Well, 99.9% of male population would say big boobs, nice ass, slim waist, seksi hips, long legs and so on. While the 95% (another proof that females are smarter  than males) would say tall, dark and handsome with six-pack abs, solid chest, awesome biceps and mostly the part of  male anatomy which they hope would be above the normal measurement(owwwhh common you know what I mean).

      On this subject, I’m proud to declare that I belong to the upper 5% elite female populace who didn’t drool (as in naglalaway) over those studs.  Personally, I always like nerdy-brainy geek men.  The kind of guy who fixes their hair in Jose Rizal fashion as in nationalistic and dating and yung tipong Clark Kent and porma…yummy!  This kind of guy is my “turn-on” not the usual brawn with no brain jocks who’s IQ is lower than the measurement of their p@#is.  Most of these type of guy are usually self-centered, arrogant bastard who think they’re God given gifts to women. Well, of course, with exception to few.

          Those cutie nerdy-brainy-geeky type of guys usually lack of social skills which on the other hand, perfect by the social animals.  Simple looking cannot justify the essence of these men, you have to SEE them.  They’re the epitome of the saying “Do not judge the book without cover” “Do not judge the books with its cover” you have to see what’s inside (especially inside their zipper…oopps…).

          Talking to these type of guys would move your IQ a notch higher, because they’re so deep, as if you’re diving in Mariana’s trench kapag kausap sila.  Smart, intelligent, witty and funny that’s what they are, just don’t go into technical details kung ayaw mong mahilo at dumugo ang ilong mo.

          Where the 3-inches heels could you find this type of guy? Well, obviously you can’t usually find them at parties or bars or resto.  Try to look for them at libraries, computer and science laboratories and internet cafes.  In malls, they could be spotted at bookstores, computer shops and places where you could find latest gadgets.  They’re few, actually almost borderline to being an endangered species, and if could find one don’t simply look what’s outside you’ve got to see what’s inside their brain and heart and you will be amazed of what you could find.  And on the second thought maybe you could find what’s inside their zipper too…

TANGA: The Definition

TA . NGA [ta-`ngah]

— noun

1.  taong ayaw magka-boyfriend pero nagrereklamong single.
2. lalaking mahilig mambabae tapos nagugulat everytime ayaw pagkatiwalaan ng mga babae.
3. ex mong iniwan ka for some unknown reason then biglang magpapa-ramdam  ulit after Jurassic years.
4. taong pilit na naghihintay sa taong wala naming balak dumating
5. babae o lalakeng ilang beses na naloko sa pare-parehong dahilan pero di natututo.
6. mag-jowang araw-araw nag-aaway pero hinding-hindi daw sila maghihiwalay. 
7. textmate na nagbibigay ng load/pasaload pero hindi naman tini-text nang kanyang pinagbibigyan ng load ngunit patuloy paring nagbibigay ng load.
8. taong magpapa-kamatay sa para sa taong wala namang pakialam.

—Related forms

 
Ka.ta.nga.han, adjective

Ta.ta.nga.ta.nga, verb

Ta.nge.ngot, noun

 
—Synonyms

          Hangal, gunggong, estupido/a, gago/a, ungas, walang kwenta,

walang saysay, luko-luko, luka-luka , bobo.

UTOT: The Definition

Nothing feels better than a nice, loud utot lalo na kapag nag-ala-twister na ang masamang hangin sa tiyan mo.  Mabaho man at nakakahiya, we have to admit that nothing feels better than emitting that gaseous bad elements from our system, nakakaginhawa ng buhay nagiging masaya ang world.

Ang “Utot” ay salitang tagalog na nanganaghulugang ang hangin na lumalabas sa isang parte ng ating katawan na may kakaibang amoy.   Ang utot ay parang “universal language” sa Pilipinas kasi kahit saang sulok ka ng beautiful country Philippines mula Batanes hangang Jolo ay siguradong gets nila na iyon ay mabahong hangin na lumalabas sa iyong anus as in wetpu.

In all languages merong salita para sa utot:

In English:

• flatulence
• flatus
• fart
• aerosolized stool
• anal acoustics
• anal oxide
• anus evacuation
• arse blast
• silent killer
• and many more……

In French: Flatulence

In German: Blähung

In Spanish: flatulencia

In Italian: flatulenza

In Russian: напыщенность (try mo nga basahin at i-pronounce…)

In Chinese: chou pi

Definition: 

flat·u·lent [fláchələnt], adjective
flat·u·lence, noun
-flat·u·lent·ly, adverb

1.     causing gas in digestive system: causing excessive gas flatus to be created in the stomach and intestines

2.      full of digestive gas: having excessive gas flatusin the digestive system

3.      pompous or self-important: having or showing excessive self-importance (literary)

[Late 16th century. Via French < modern Latin flatulentus < Latin flatus "blowing, blast" < flare "to blow"] 
Ayon sa Microsoft ® Encarta ® 2007 ito ang kahulugan ng utot: 

Flatulence is presence of excessive amounts of gas in the stomach or intestines. Most of the gas in the stomach consists of atmospheric nitrogen and oxygen that have been swallowed. The nitrogen is largely unobservable and travels on through the intestines. Additional gases, principally carbon dioxide, methane, and hydrogen, are formed within the intestines. The carbon dioxide, produced by fermentation, is largely absorbed. The other gases, produced by incomplete digestion of foods rich in starch or cellulose, such as beans or cabbage, are eventually expelled from the rectum as flatus. The disagreeable odor of flatus is caused by several sulfur compounds, particularly by mercaptans. Large amounts of gas in the stomach or intestines may cause distention and pain.Anak ng kamote, kaya pala utot ka ng utot pag kumain ka ng kamote.  Ang utot ay isang napaka simple at ordinaryong word pero maaring mauutot ka at dumugo ang ilong mo sa kakabasa ng explanation kung bakit umutot ang tao.   

Just a thought…Umuutot din ba ang mga fish?